I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
