matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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