I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
