I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
