so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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