The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
