walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
