I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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