I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
