My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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