I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
