instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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