I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
