i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm too high and old for this...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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