1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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