I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
