Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
