From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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