??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize