haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
