i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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