He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
