new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
