Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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