Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
40s are totally the cure
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
