im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Farmville is her only friend.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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