i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
