My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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