I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
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