I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
