he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
