i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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