you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
