call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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