just come out here and I will go home with you...
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
