Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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