hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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