ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
