Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
