Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
