Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
