You just made me feel so damn special
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You made out with two different species that night
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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