Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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