when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
