A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i will never coherently bang her
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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