Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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