I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
