I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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