Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
