I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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