Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
