shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize