remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
