you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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